Lesson learn today, never to accept someone's good intentions if you can't live up to it.
Lesson learn, communication is always be the barrier if one thinks in one manner and never listens to the other.
Lesson learn, never work with people you respect and love very much as a friend.
Lesson learn, its difficult to separate business and friendship when they are linked.

Lesson learn, somethings have to get ugly in order to save yourself.
Lesson learn, you can listen but you can't never understand.
Lesson learn, never to blame yourself for everything.
Lesson learn, never to take every offer that comes along.

Lesson learn, everyone knows what they have to do but its the consequences that stops them from proceeding onwards.
Lesson learn, there are people around who would care for you if you ask.
Lesson learn, never try to think that you are doing everyone a favor.
Lesson learn, you have to be nice to yourself instead of being nice to everyone.

Lesson learn, things can never be the same again but that does not mean everything is lost.
Lesson learn, people will always assume whatever they want about you.
Lesson learn, trusting people is an issue of mine for the rest of my life now.
Lesson learn, if you are not comfortable in the begin don't start it.

All in all, I lost my job.
For what is worth, I am trying to salvage the friendship.
I am trying my best to not assume and continue trusting those friends.
I can't help it if at the end of the day what he thinks of me is negative.

There are two groups of people in general.
Entrepreneurs and non-entrepreneurs.
Just because people think you have got the goods does not mean that is what you should do in life.
I have no roots to begin growing up like a tree and I am already asked to be a tree without roots.

I respect my decision and I don't regret it.
I want friendship more than having the opportunity to do things I have no experience in plus there is no desire to do so.
Its not worth learning in that manner when friendship is on the line,
I don't see anything wrong if I can earn a decent living.

I don't need to be a millionaire overnight.
I just want to earn to a point when I don't have to worry about over spending or not being able to afford things I want.
I don't need to run my own business to be successful in life.
I can start from scratch in the industry I like and have the passion and work upwards from there.

I need a system to follow, not something that I feel unstable with.
Its not my cup of tea so its time to let go.
I can't take the level of expectations nor the level of stress at the rate that I am going.
No doubt I have been given the second chance.

Its a rare opportunity but it also means that the quality of work I produce will be tripled.
I have to dash to reach the goal where people are strolling along.
I don't think its worth more than my friendship I have.
When its enough its enough.

I appreciate every single thing that has been done for me.
Chances and opportunities given to me.
But its too much since I have no experience, no system, what I perceive might be different from his perception.
Its time to draw the line.

Look for another job.

I have been so stressed out ever since last Monday.
This week, I actually sleepwalked thinking I was dreaming.
I actually got dressed for a appointment that is the next day.
That is how stressed out I am.

The only thing I can do is blog whenever I am stressed out.
I need to let out, blogging is my outlet.
These days I feel like crying yet I can't seem to find the tears.
My Ah Mei said Hi to me on MSN and I wailed like a baby.

I miss being carefree and happy.
Not being under stress and feel that everyday is living hell.
I don't want to do what I don't like cause my friendship is on the line.
I really hate it.

But then, surprisingly, I told my brother about the stress.
Even though he can't really understand cause we don't really talk a lot to one another.
He still gave me his 2 cents worth of advice.
Followed by this email.

50 Tips on how to relax yourself and deal with stress during work

--Don't promise what you can't deliver.
--Learn to manage your emotions, instead of letting them control you.
--Cultivate a sense of humor.
--Resist perfectionism.
--Resist micromanaging (of yourself and others).
--Get the sleep you need.
--Try getting to work 10-15 minutes early.
--Take regular breaks.
--Take a walk at lunch, or do some stretching exercises, or jumping jacks, or something.
--Don't overdo the caffeine.
--Don't skip breakfast or lunch.
--Learn to recognize symptoms of stress (anxiety, headache, anger) so you can nip it in the bud.
--Make some friends/allies at work.
--Talk about your stress, to somebody.
--Pay attention to your breathing; slow it down, deepen it.
--Post family photos (or other images that make you happy) in your workspace.
--Focus on the now (i.e., don't agonize over the past, don't fret over the future).
--Take some alone time.
--Find harmless ways to vent; e.g., cry, or punch a pillow.
--Vary your routine.
--Stop trying to multitask.
--Remind yourself of what's really important in life.
--Beef up your skills; become better and faster at what you do.
--Make sure you truly know what is expected of you (you may need to talk to your boss).
--Try looking at situations from different points of view.
--Seek work that suits your personality.
--Learn to say "no."
--Always have a fallback plan (a "Plan B").
--Get better organized.
--Clean up workspace clutter.
--Stop procrastinating.
--Make your workspace as ergonomic as you can.
--Wear clothes that are comfortable and that you look good in.
--Try some "positive affirmations."
--Learn to manage your boss.
--Meditate/pray/contemplate.
--Avoid negative people as much as you can.
--Write down the things you like about your job.
--Make a list of all your achievements in the last year.
--Get clear on your life goals and take a step, no matter how small, toward those goals every day.
--Learn to love yourself as you are.
--Put a smile on your face.
--Get a hobby that makes you happy.
--Learn to prioritize. Learn to delegate.
--Stop comparing yourself to others.
--Ask for help when you need it.
--Break big jobs into bite-size pieces.
--Know your limitations and let others know them too.
--Don't try to control what is uncontrollable.
--Hang in there!

For what is worth, give it your best shot but remember that you reward yourself at the same time...

Love Bro...

This email really made me cried and smile at the same time.
Times like this makes me wonder whether he is being a brother cause he feels it.
Or am I just a lucky little girl?
I appreciate things like this a lot..

With whatever that is going on right now.
I feel as if I have lost trust in a few people that I care and loved as friends.
I don't think I would ever dare to breathe another word to them.
The fear of being told against or my words would be hold against me is there.

I don't even know how to react to them when I see them.
One chooses to ignore my text messages cause she still owns me money.
Money aside, I just needed a friend to talk to and I felt she was the best person to talk to.
Now she is not only ignoring my calls but my text messages as well.

The other came back from another country.
Only gave me a call to let me know she is still alive and back in Singapore.
I have doubts in her for she might be the one who used my words.
I don't even know whether I can smile at her when I see her.

The friendship that I have built based on my compassion, empathy, love for them.
Somehow has diminished into the abyss of dark holes.
I can't even talk properly to them anymore.
No matter how much I loved them as my friends.

Its just the sense of betrayal that I am feeling right now.
I don't even dare to talk to anybody that is linked to that person.
The grapevine has not been very nice to me and it has never has.
Everything that I say through impulses or high on emotions.

It just comes back to me.
Like I don't have a place to say what I feel at that point of time freely.
Its not like I want to say it cause the other party deserves to hear it.
I am saying it cause its all pent up emotions.

Ever heard of people saying pent up emotions could lead to illnesses?
I can't write it down for the fear of people reading it and using it against me.
I can't blog it as much as I want to for the fear of people mistaking the purpose.
Now I can't even voice it out?!

I don't think I am ready to pick new friend.
I am being cautious to everyone.
I want to protect myself but at the same time the compassion in me doesn't
Everyday is a learning process.

Been busy over my head these past days.
Even thinking about taking a break to breathe scares me now.
Its seems that I can't even effort to do that now.
That is the amount of stress that I am under and undergoing still.
No easy out I suppose.

With to bear with everything and anything till October.
Nothing is allowed to distract me.
I even went to the extend of deactivating my Facebook.
I am trying to blog as soon as my body allows it.
Its no fun but there is not much of a choice now.

Swallow the self-pity, pride, integrity, bitch-ness and move my arse.
Can't effort to play nor think of playing.
The idea that the work is not done scares the shit out of me.
I feel very pressured even though I did more than 8 hours work of work.
It still does not seem enough.

This is one of those time that I would complain that 24hrs a day is not enough.
But like what a friend said to me.
We plan what we want in our waking hours and even if there isn't even it management.
I hate to admit it but I need more than 24 hrs in a day.
I feel as if time is passing too fast now.

I am being contradicting to myself.
I want time to pass fast but at times like these where work is involved.
I want time to pass slowly as well.
I can't make up my mind.
All I know is that my waking and sleeping hours are involved with work.

Time pass faster to OCTOBER.
I need to get a new job during that time and also give myself a break.
Time is of the essences.
I can't even keep my eyes open till late due to all the computer work I have done.
I have to stare at the screen for almost 10hrs a day.

This is getting a bit too scary for me.
Its just not human even.
But one thing made me happy today.
My godma decided to give my birthday present earlier than expected.
Its a digital camera.

Thank you godma.

Instead of having being all prepared to face the music on Thursday.
It has been postponed to Monday.
I know that there will only be two routes out of that situation.
Losing my job or continue working but with loads of pressure and stress.

I really had to hear these phrases from anyone now.
"You're a very intelligent girl"
"You have the common sense"
"You have a lot of potential to succeed"

I really hate those phrases now.
I don't want to hear it from anyone anymore.
It has not only given me a lot of stress and pressure for nothing in my point of view.
I rather stick to what I feel that I am capable of doing instead of doing what others think that I can achieve when it is imposed dreams on me.

I don't even know what I want to do and here are people telling me what I should do.
Of course, everyone wants to succeed in their lives in order not to live pathetically.
But what if people want to have a live where they are comfortable and contented with it.
Chances do not come by everyday but not all chances are suitable to be grabbed either.

I am actually not worried about losing my job at all.
I already kind of predicted that this day is going to come if the axe is going to hit it will hit no matter how long you try to avoid it.
My main worry is having this job affecting the friendship I have.
But then again everyone tells me to not work with friends.

I can't really say much besides the fact that I have to face it the first thing in the morning tomorrow with a grim smile.
What more can I say, it feels like whatever that is going to come out of my mouth is going to sound like an excuse and if it can't be continued that I can just resign instead.

There is no point that I see to continue staying for the sake of staying when I know that I don't feel that I have learn as much as I can and it is affecting his business. I rather he gets rid of me and be happy doing it on his own like he has always been doing so. Its not like I can't find a job at all. I know he is going to say that he is disappointed in me.

That's one of those things that I hate to hear the most.
I don't see why you have to be disappointed with me when you have your own concept of what I should be when I don't.
It only makes me feel bad but not guilty. I would only feel truly upset when I promised that I am able to do it and could not achieve it.

But the situation here is not like that at all.
You want me to succeed base on what you think of me.
There are many factors that I can argue about but I just choose not to.
Cause you come with good intentions and I accept that intentions.

I don't want to feel like I have to live up to your expectations.
I don't want to feel that I have to reach the mark that you have set for me that I don't have a single interest in at all.
I don't want to feel pressure cause we are friends and I have to do it as a duty to a friend and not because I feel I have to as my job.

I just have to face what he has to say to me tomorrow.
Good or bad news for my job doesn't matter.
To him I am already a disappointment in terms of my performance in my job.
I just want to maintain the friendship not my ability to work for him

Cause thinking about it for the past few days about it.
I don't see how I am learning what he wants me to learn.
I feel that everything I do is to live up to his expectations and I don't feel like I want to continue that kind of drive cause it will not last long.

I really thank him for accepting me into his company and working under him.
It is a opportunity in the beginning but now it just seems like I am his burden.
He works better on his own and he only hired me out of convenient and the fact that he his potential in me that I can never see it.

I follow systems and steps very well.
I don't have it while working with him, he skips from on to another and I don't have that mental state to adapt quickly to that.
I think its not a suitable job for me any more. Its more to get the salary and move on.
I think I am better off with my mouth shut tomorrow and see what else is there that can be said.

You know there are times where you know you have done something very wrong.
Something that you know you could prevent but due to no motivation you slack off.
You just end up giving off the "I CAN'T BE BOTHERED" aura.
The best part is that I knew that I could get into real trouble.

Then there is this feeling that when you got exposed and you are awaiting for your sentence.
I went through that this very morning.
It was not a pleasant feeling at all.
It is one of those feelings that I wish to avoid as much as possible.

I even woke up super duper early this morning by 4 hours.
Prayed the night before.
Just want to face the music yet want to avoid it as much as possible.
The feeling was like waiting for the whip to hit yet you want to run away from.

Why the title says "Nearly Peed in My Jeans"
Very simple, I was trying to space out by focusing on something else.
But I was too focused that I totally ignored the surrounding.
Until what I was waiting for has arrived and gave me a hug.

That point of time, I nearly really wanted to pee in my jeans.
I tend to put myself in the worst case scenario.
Something that I always do to myself when I know I fucked up and bad.
I wish days are not so tough...

I am exhausted from spending most of my time on the computer doing my research for my assignment that my buddy has given me.
He would be back tomorrow!!!! I have to finish the assignment on Thursday! 35 Sports and 20 Countries! I think I am going to get it from him when he comes back!
Anyway, that is not related to my title anyway.

I decided to go to the DSC Clinic to get my blood tested for HIV virus since I do my volunteering at AFA ( Actions for AIDS ) and my lovely Jess gave me two free test coupons.
I brought my mom along with me, she went with me cause it was free and I went there cause I have been curious about it.

The process was very simple and easy but obviously they always say that the wait is the crazy part of the whole process. Sitting there and not knowing your results. Its not like you're waiting for the results of your blood type but whether you have a life-time disease that you have to take care of till the reaper comes along.

I know its weird that I brought my mom along but she is pretty much my best friend. The others who were taking the test as well, either looks worried during the process of waiting or just couldn't sit still. My mom and I were just playing games on our devices. She was playing my ipod touch and I was playing with her mobile phone games.

Then the wait was done and WE BOTH ARE CLEAN! Happy!

I have to go back to doing my bloody assignment again. If anyone wants to take the test do PM me. It is for your knowledge and also for your future. I know I sound like I am preaching but what's the harm of saying so?

Cheerios!!!

Date: Monday 16th 2010f August 2010 05:09:11 AM
Colorgenics Number: 1/4/5/3/2/7/0/6/

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.

Everyone has to compromise at times and circumstances are such that at this time you are feeling the need to do just that. Put all of your hopes on the back burner and let matters flow for a time - forgo some of the things you want. The good times are just around the corner.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship

I am double happy today!
I get to meet you in the late morning once again!
Started our adventure and it felt just like where we left off!
Spent the whole night till the early mornings with you.
Talking, catching up where we left off.
Amazement always sinks into me whenever I see you.

Then I got my 26 inch LCD TV!!!!!
Super duper happy about it!
I get to have more space in my room and I can carry out my plans next month.
Cause currently I am broke!
BUT SUPER HAPPY!!!!
I can feel the jealousy from my brother and his wife! (hehe!)

All in all!
Today has been a good day for me!
Loves to all out there and whoever who reads my blog!

When you fall out from a relationship that you thought was your last, you feel this sense of emptiness?
You gave your all into the relationship, even thought of your futures together.
Stayed together and have each other every single day of your lives but to end it.
It seems like that idea is not even possible.
Till it happened.

Its not like you lost faith in love or finding someone who clicks with you.
You suddenly feel numb all over especially your heart.
You don't mind meeting new people, you don't mind your friends shoving you to meet this person whom they think suits you.
You just don't feel much, somewhat similar to a person taking anti-depression pills.
You just smile and laugh cause its natural to do so and nothing more.

The colors before you are not rainbows but in black and white.
You just become a chameleon, adapting to everything around you cause you're out of emotions.
It comes and go like the hurricane but does not leave anything besides a wreck.
Then its a full cycle again.
When would it ever stop?

You focus on giving your emotions to people who needs it even though you need it the most.
You try to be back to normal by creating goals and dreams all over again.
Walking each step carefully with all your senses heighten.
But very aware of how it can make you lose everything overnight as well.
Someone comes along but you are too numb to notice anything.

Just sharing my thoughts.