i dreamt that she asked if we shld date.

she was sitting next to me in my car, smoking a ciggie, gazing at me with her tiny eyes.
i cld feel my face turning crimson.
the heat travelled from my face to the tip of my ears.
my throat turned cold.
my heart was pounding so hard i bet she cld hear it beating against my body and i swear it was gonna explode if she touched my hand, which was resting on the side, almost touching hers.

and then she said,
"if we're dating, will u go queue up for me for the korean bands concert?"

CCB.

i told her i needed to go pee and got out of the car.

i woke up from my dream and went to pee.

and i hit my head repeatedly onto the toilet cabinet for having such a hopeless dream.

been going through some old songs in my iTunes and they've certainly evoked some memories which i've almost totally forgotten.

FM Static - Tonight
The Used - Smother Me
Secondhand Serenade - Fall For You
Leona Lewis - Run
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
The Smashing Pumpkins - The End is The Beginning is The End
Gavin Rossdale - Love Remains The Same
BodyRockers - I Like The Way
Duffy - Distant Dreamer
Blur - Tender
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill
The Script - I'm Yours
Kanye West - Heartless
Neneh Cherry ft Yossou D'dour - 7 Seconds
Framing Hanley - Lollipop
Ne-yo - Mad
Massari - Real Love
Ramzi & Ash King - Your Love is Blind
Naturi Naughton - Fame
Rivermaya - You'll Be Safe Here
3rd Avenue - Why Can't it Be

i've never heard of the original version of 'Why Can't it Be' by 3rd Avenue until today.
all those times when i was immersed in the song, it was performed by my filipino friend, Norman Cruz, in BF.
he sounded so much better, trust me.

so yup,
corny,
old punk rock,
pop..
down to filipino bands,
some memory evoking songs which i have not deleted from my iTunes and which i enjoy once in a while to chill from all the electronic beats.

i'd love to tag stories of those songs but i'll end up writing a book.

i hope they will, bring back some fond memories for those who take the time and trouble to go check out.

montkia n i suddenly came to a conclusion that the idiot visits this website... or made visits.

i hope it's before i blogged about her.

FML.

*

havent seen her for a while now.
think she's busy with exams n stuff.
korean songs are giving me a real fucking headache.
i need to hurry before she goes to vietnam.

*

BFF went to the party on thursday!!!
the delinquent nurse told me if she didnt, she'd missed another of my good sets!
AWWWWWWWW.....
almost wanted to jump outta the booth to squeeze her breathless when i saw her while doing the pre-party songs.

she's like a puppy.
playful n overboard sometimes, quiet n thoughtful occasionally.
AND there are pros n cons when 'nobody' nudges into the picture.

dun wanna get too in-depth about it here... but well, as long as she's happy i guess there are certain small sacrifices to make here n there.

*

im getting too hopeless with girls.
WAY TOO HOPELESS!

im unable to read signs (if any) when the girl's interested...
besides doing other retarded stuff to scare what's left, off.

there's no damn way i can act all cool and chill.

look on it on the bright side,
i dont have the kinda patience anymore.

i'll burst a blood vessel if i hafta wait for anyone for 5 mins.

i think of her a tad too much.

the image of her back has been replaying.
when i commented on how much i enjoying looking at her back, ah ni rolled her eyes to the back of her head so much they got stuck again.

*

soooo looking forward to sentosa on monday with the kias.. minus our resident delinquent nurse.
BUT... we're gonna stuff our faces silly with steamboat buffet with her in the evening after her work.

*

saturday again.

interview on thurs didnt turn out as what i expected.
it's hard to work in a club which doesnt believe in electro music.
they are in a class of their own, which aint my class, sad to say.

i'll keep looking.

*

i guess i'll just work on 2 projects at the same time then.
stupid kimchi's korean pop song remix and my own electro demo.

*

been lazying ard these couple of days.
it's BAD!

hafta force myself to go to work everyday.
no work, no mojo.

*

im so addicted to prawning...
especially with the kias.
yea i know it's somewhat passe for some people but they dunno how fun it is to prawn with the kias.

prawns hate me.
they dont take my bait.

dear stupid kimchi,

i like you since the day u went ECP with us and slept on the park chair like a bangla (even when you burnt my leg hair!).

altho you're the naughtiest monkey in the kias and has the least angelic personality (not that im implying we're any better, but yeah i guess you know what i mean), i have fallen for you... of all pretty femmes and very polite ppl.

you have a kind heart and you work hard for what you want... be it studies, dragonboat or even to buy something.

and i like the fact that you can basically survive in any condition anywhere (like me... as long as there are no worms landing on me!), not having to rely on anybody if possible.
this is the kind of independence i look for in a person.

you said you're looking for someone who can understand you without words.
who doesnt?

i enjoy hanging out with you, in fact, i enjoy every moment with you.
sometimes i really wonder if i really like you or perhaps im simply confused about how i feel for you.

i know how awkward it'll turn out if i just tell you that i like you and i wanna date you.
for you, i know it's always the age gap and the fact that im no HOT KOREAN SUPERSTAR.
that nite(or morning!) in the car, after prawning, i felt these words at the tip of my tongue.
i wanted to ask if you wanted to date for a while, if you feel the same for me, see how things goes...
but i was afraid.
our friendship and the kias are really important to me and i know cliques break apart when someone starts falling for another in the same clique.

i tried to search for any tiny clues and hints that you might like me too, but everytime i thought i found some tinge of evidence, you slapped me with ten obvious signs that you want me only as a friend.

i feel sorry that your ex-date treated you like trash.
i would never do what she did to you.
who'd be sucha fool to do anything to hurt you?

and for the k-pop songs you wanted me to mix for you....
seriously, i wouldnt do it for a demo to get a job, but i'd do it for you so you can bring it to vietnam and make you happy while listening to the mix.
i know it'd be weird for you but really, the whole world knows about it except for you!

if you ever read this post,
both of us are never initiative about stuff like this...
but still, i just hope you know that i like you a whole damn lot and i hope to date you...
BUT i'll never tell you how i feel.

so yup.
it's a load off my mind for now.
anyway i know you dont read blogs which is why im brazenly blogging about it here!

the kias' guys nite out (or not really)!

picked stupid kimchi and montkia up from amk before heading over to bishan park.
it was drizzling so finding a parking lot was a breeze and crowd was minimal... so were the prawns.

3 of us sat, side by side, prawning, drinking beer and chatting.
GUYS' NITE OUT IS SO COOL!!

qqkia came with an emo friend who had to leave early (thank goodness!) and she was attacked unmercifully by kimchi who called her ti-geh and stuff which didnt really sit well with her.

we din really catch anything much until our final 2 hrs or so and half our supper came from an old man who was prawning alone and teaching us some cool techniques.

BUT STILL,
it aint about the prawns (ok la, occasional pride when we hooked a big one).
it's about chilling with couple of good friends,
beer,
smoking,
chatting (not gossiping, not bitching),
discovering how manly montkia was when she was the only person who would touch the damn worm bait,
releasing the whinny, squealing side of me when i saw the worms,
how teamwork made everything more fun when we helped each other with the charcoal, the fire, washing and skewering, bbq-ing and de-shelling the prawns and feeding the person who was doing the bbq-ing.
nobody, not even the girly qqkia, sat and waited for food to be served.

the stupid kimchi managed to get the hook caught at the top of the canopy and the prawn flew into the plastic drainage pipe a few feet above us.
it was fuck embarrassing but we were laughing till we almost rolled on the floor.

spent 9 hrs there when kimchi had intended to go home early to sleep.
at the end of the nite, i sent her home and chatted for almost an hour in the car, smoking, and talking about how annoying some femmes can really get.

what made me really happy was how she declared with a wide smile on her face,
"tonight was SO FUN!"

watching a movie alone with the stupid kimchi is BLISS!

couple seat lehhhhhh!
(arm rest in the middle was pulled down coz she wanted to rest her arm )

movie sucked but i slipped the ticket stub into my pocket to keep without being too obvious.
OUR 1ST MOVIE TOGETHER!

after meeting the kias,
dinner at qq's,
chit chatting,
smoking...
i sent her near yishun so she cld take a cab from the side of the road to go straight into SLE/BKE.
what i wld give to send her all the way home!!
but... nope.
too obvious.
i stay in the east.

*
i wonder how long i'll last before i finally break down.
altho i try not to make it look obvious im head over heels in love with her,
it takes a rather big moron to not notice it.

mayb she's the biggest moron.
perhaps i am one myself.
it's not wrong to want more coz im only human.

what i'll give to have her feel the same for me!
stupid eye-less korean schoolboy.

*
so many things to say but the words dont seem to form.

i cant tell u not to sink.
the feeling of being wanted,
every touch from her hands,
the looks from her eyes,
even the ways she irritates u...
makes u want more.

just dont show her how vulnerable a position u'r in right now.
when it comes to wanting more,
we both know we're at the losing end coz we're greedy.
it kills us when we sit and wait while our minds wander...
our bodies, far away from our 'her'.

when it's time to end, let it.
live every moment u have with her in happiness so there will not be regrets.

we will be devastated one way or another.
although we secretly hope they'll fall in love with us and we'll all live happily ever after.

but,
who believes in fairytales?

i dont even believe in love anymore.

*

been chatting with the stupid kimchi via sms these couple of days and she actually called me while i was driving to bishan for prawning! ~happiness~
chatted for prolly 20mins while i got somewhat lost, missed the carpark entrance, did a u-turn and waited for a lot... until she said,
"walau i think i need to da bian."

so i told kimchi to go da bian, and i'd try to squeeze a makeshift lot somewhere.
as much as i wanted it to go on forever, i was nervous and didnt know what to say and i couldnt tell her to keep talking coz i was happily contented just listening to her.

i miss kimchi already.
will be seeing her next wed for dinner and movie!

crashed with the kias at marina bay sands on sunday all the way to monday afternoon!

the view was AWESOME!!
that, is almost all which is nice about that place.

*

the kias finally managed to take some family photos!

we drew the curtains in the hotel room,
placed a coffee table and the vase by the side to mimic a typical family portrait scene and stood solemnly while m snapped us.

when someone suggested less solemn shots... hell broke loose.

montkia snored whle she slept,
samsungkia walked around in the bathrobe which made her look like some perverted flasher,
m was being bullied throughout,
and they licked stickies and put them back into the bottle when they didnt like the flavour!

*

partied at butter factory on sunday night and we were greatly entertained by all those weird, straight people there...

VERY tall girl in red dress who danced like she was having gi-mongus spasm,
VERY tall indian man who tried to mix his dancesteps with kav maga (i was thinking if he kicked me by accident, i'd knee him in the balls) with devastating results,
VERY short guy who tried some jellyfish dance which was GROSS,
VERY fugly guy who stuck his hand up in the air all the time and walked around with his jug of beer and stinks like he hadnt showered decently for years.

they were all dancing in what we nicknamed, the lame corner.

we agreed that half the people there came from another universe to celebrate singapore's birthday.
what an honor.

the security guys were (have always been!) really sweet!

*

revamping my set for the next show.

my style,
not anyone's.

it was a disappointment.
i'd be at lost if the kias werent there to dominate the dancefloor.
at the end of it all, everyone clapped(the staff are sooo damn nice lor!).
they knew i was somehow affected by the turnout.
i didnt even get to show-off my new electro set.

sometimes,
dreams, ideals and being driven aint enough.
cheap deals and freebies help.
when you're up against ppl who dont care about how drinks taste, how music sounds, if at the end of the night, they can only break even,
you're at the losing end.
numbers can be breaking.

it's really time to listen to what the younger generation wants.
people my age dont club.
when they do,
they need clubbing to fall on PH eves, weekends or plenty of seats so they can rest their creaky arthritic bones and swirl wine around the glass (getting wine spilled all over themselves as a result) while they try to dress up in lieu with the latest fashion with varying devastating results.

*

thursday afternoon at RP, we were just chilling and chatting and i was daydreaming about the stupid kimchi when i saw her walk towards me.
i swear i thought i was missing her so bad i was hallucinating.
turned out that the kias called her, made her come down after her lessons, just to give me a surprise.
they told me that my face burst into a bright shade of red when i saw her.
FML.
it's either she's so stupid she hasnt notice the unnaturally rosy color on my face which spreads to my ears whenever she's around,
or she's just playing dumb coz she doesnt wanna affect our friendship.

i saw the pictures of her ex-date and her.
for a moment, i thought i saw myself in her.

those feelings of camwhoring with the person i really like, being able to be so close to her and capturing everything in shots just came flooding back into my mind.
the slight brushes of the hair,
the touch of her arm grazing my arm which sent fuzzy currents up my spine,
the feel of wanting to be close but refusing to look too lovey dovey,
the look on my face when i was caught on film gazing at her with dreamy, adoring eyes while she froze for the camera with her silly smile.

it made me wonder how much she was into her ex-date and how hurt she was after her betrayal and how it all turned to hate (or just a facade to hide her true feelings?) after it happened.
was it like, me, shouting 'i hate you, (ex-date's name)' at the beach, but the actual fact was that, i hated myself for the failed relationship, not my ex-date?
i can safely proclaim that i was never horrible when i was with my ex-date.
the only failure about the whole fiasco was that i was just being me...
i wasnt the ex-gf she was so in love with, who dumped her as unceremoniously as how she dumped me.

*

i know we can never be together.
and i know i can never find someone like her...
so uncouth,
so foul-mouthed,
so loyal to friends,
so driven to win races,
with emotions so impossible to read,
with walls around her seemingly impermeable.

*

saw the tiny white gloomy bear i bought for her hanging with her bunch of keys.
it was made to be a mobile phone accessory but she hung it with her keys anyway.

happiness was how gloomy bear looks dirty, meaning she's been using it since.

its enough for me.